My Turf

  salam and hi all,
  today there’s nothing really interesting happening, except that i was invited by a fren to come to a friend’s birthday party. that’s all.
  oh yeah, and btw the word that makes the title are just pure randomness, taken from one of my random generator, randomly picking the words out of the clustered memories, the scrambled memories where it everything was out of order. oh well. maybe that’s how my mind works. nuff said.
  i’ve been having this weird dreams lately, dreams of being someone else, visions of grandeur, and the sorts. what meaning does it have in store for me, i could not fathom even the smallest bits. forces greater than me are playing their roles here, forces like the ones we call fate and chance. does it mean that something big will be happening to me, or will i be the spectator of the greatest change in the history of Man? or am i just thinking too much. it is just a dream anyway. what significance does it brings. hmm… maybe i am thinking too much..
  the post will come to an end again.. hmm.. i really should just find new ideas on what to write next time.. till then… i bid u farewell..
  maybe if i change myself a little bit, maybe then something will happen to me… i don’t know it either.. it’s more than pure logic here…. my powers are limited in this case..
  peace be upon thou..

salam and hi all,
  a lot had happened since the last time the real me had posted. yup, everything had changed since then. there’s no exact records on the pivotal point, but nevertheless, it seems that some things had changed.
  the title actually refers to my current state of health. yup, i’ve caught a stupid flu, such that i am unable to taste and smell anything. to my advantage, i used it to clean up the garbage without worrying of the awful stench that it always made. haha. thanx a lot flu!
  i’ve been busy lately, with all the clubs and projects and assignments, and all that. not to mention the regular quizzes and mid-sems keeps  on coming, tide after tide, waiting to break my spirit apart. oh well, it seems that it still fails to this day. try again, ayte!
  it’s also seems that i’ve been searching for something that i will never have, trying to grasp a tiny piece of happiness, so that my melancholic nature may in some ways lift my spirit. and so it seems that each time i tried to go after it, it started to run away even faster than before. i don’t want to suffocate anyone, so the pursue comes to a halt soon after i had realized the collaterals that i might have made, should i continue my pursuit. and so, here i am, waiting for it to come to me. oh well. better luck next time.
  there’s always this something that’s keeps on nagging my mind, boggling the stronger part of my subconsciousness to stay awake and alert, thinking of a way to stop this uneasiness that keeps on spreading in my life spectrum. should i found it source, i could at least try to banish it, or at the very least stop it from spreading. many call it disease of the heart, but i say it was the weakness of one’s heart, heart such as mine. some say my heart is as strong as it can be, but i say it’s still as soft as something squishy and soft, like a rubber ducky or the likes of it. haha. well, i am bad at doing idioms.
  thus endeth my period of emergence to my active state of mind, returning to my deep slumber, until the need arises again for me to rectify what my selves had done to my life and others. till then, taking care~
peace be upon thou.

salam and hye all…
fine, the title may raise some eyebrows..wait a minute, the title itself is not even original! it’s originated from some guy name Freud. oh well, what the heck. as long as i sort of paraphrase it, nobody will sue me about it, rite? or so it seems.

anyhoo, repression occurs naturally, whether we are conscious about it or not. most of it are subconscious, which means we do it without we realizing it. Freud had given some extreme cases, such as the Oedipus complex, well, we know about what’s it all about, or if not, just wiki it. surely some answer will be provided. and so, with that statement, even the author, which sometimes could be me, had encountered during the daily course of his life. what is it? is it dangerous? the fact that everyone is doing it, according to extreme understanding of utilitarian theory, provides us enough reasoning that it is not that bad. sure, if everyone do it, well, it’s not that bad right? then if it’s bad, the everyone are the bad guys. haha. not a very perfect induction, but that’ll do for now.
nevertheless, some may not even realized that they had repressed some things in their life. for example, i have a ps3 and i’m a gamer, but i don’t really have ample money, so i can only drool and just watch. that’s one simple example. see? it’s easy. but wait, does repression throws away these things we call feelings? for some time within the 19th century, some believed as such. but surely, nowadays, such are not the case. repression did not really throw those feelings away, instead, they occupy other spaces such as the subconsciousness. while freud may had call it id, i just call it the main controller, or the conscious part of the mind. well, maybe the definition does not really hold true enough for the real meaning of the phrase, but at least they serve the purpose for the time being. oh well. i’m imperfect. such imperfections justifies my existence as a man.
from my point of view, the more quiet a person is, the more they repress their feelings. and the nearest example is, none other than myself. why? a single vessel, such as this, is occupied by two different system of thoughts, different active consciousness, and two different personalities, with the happy-go-lucky, never worries about anything, lighten everyone’s hearts, and the other one, ever-sulky, questioning the existence of things in this world, and perceptive to events that were not really explicit to others, at the same time keeping around 98% of what he perceives and feels to himself alone. but why such contradicting exists? it’s not like it’s really amazing to have such. surely everyone had their own devils in their head, if it grew large enough, it will occupy a large space, influential enough to become the next id. oh well.
and that, is what they say, is that.

FIN

ps: maybe that’s why i don’t or won’t have a gf (in this time spectrum, from present to the near future). maybe i should lighten up a bit.. yup… no doubt about it.

guys, i’m making a new project for my blog. it’s on erolberol.wordpress.org

just come.. maybe due to the more flexibility.. well.. who knows.. just to cater my other subconsciousness, the real purpose of the other blog.

salam
as usual, the title does not really reflects the real meaning of this post. it’s just there so that it fulfills the format. to fill in the empty space of the header. lol. and so, live goes on.
    so many things had happened. and yet, so little time to tell it. little time to record everything. so here i am, trying to allocate a little bit of my time to at least produce a modest post. something is bothering me, maybe not to the author, but still, that mysterious feeling that keeps on nagging me, as if something bad is going to happen to me. something malice. it’s like what legolas had said, "malice stirs in the east", yup, that phrase. but what is it? and in what ways will it affect my life? such questions keeps on lingering at the borderline of my consciousness, continuously commuting between the subliminal realm and my real self, or so it seems.
    sometimes i think, in the middle of the night, what i really am. surely the objective, clear cut answer is that i am naught but a man. but what really boggled my mind is what my self is, what if i am not what i think i am, and i am what i think i am not. at times, i would wake up in the middle of the night, i would wake up, sweating profusely, as if i had been running for 10 km, even though it’s chilly that night. maybe i am in that  REM stage of  sleep, but to be quite aware  of what’s happening during that state, and  for it to be  occurring  quite frequent, is what  really  made me  think a bit.  not that  it really worries me that much, but its just that  some things, no  matter how small it is, may  have some weight in our lives.
    lately, i’ve been having difficulties to sleep at night, usually sleeping at 3-4 am in the morning, and waking up at 8 am in the morning. even in that period of sleep, i would occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, again sweating profusely and my mind was as active as if i was in the middle of doing something. maybe it’s just me. or maybe it’s something external. even sometimes i thought of myself as somewhat external to myself. sometimes i don’t even remember who i really am. sometimes capable of doing some things that i had never knew i am capable of.
    it seems to me that the fine line between my consciousness and my other self is thinning each passing day. and to my dismay, it is gradually disappearing, such that at times i may not even know which one is real, and which one is just in my mind. which one is the real thing. actually, to be exact, what is actually ‘real’? is it due to the perceptive nature, thus i know it is there, and it is real? what about implanted memory, or selective memory? what about i deliberately created it that way, such that i came to believe that it is real. sometimes fact and fraud seems to be ambiguous. especially during ethical decision making. what may be true to me may not be true to someone else, thus affecting heavily upon my set of values, in which each one of us relies upon to make judgment.
    and so, the abrupt ending of the post had made itself visible once more, thus making me say, that is what they say, is that.

FIN

this is just another short post.. ciao!!

salam
a lot had happened. very2 many things. untold things. things better left unsaid. such is the way things happen now. and we are, as usual, trapped in-between. ethical issues hovers within our thoughts, bugging us everyday with plethora of issues.
such is the way of things.
humans change, be it for the better or worse. we didn’t really know it for sure. at some perspective, we could call it for the betterment of our lives, though in fact such is not so. non-existential beings within the plane of abstraction of minds, chase the very thought of existing, being accepted within the higher level of the Maslow’s hierarchy. not much could be told here. less things to be explained, since all were within the plane of uncertainty, ever-changing, chaotic yet at times calming. the mind is a wondrous things, given the same stimulus one could perceive different outcomes.
what am i to say about these things? for a human year, i am naught but a fledgling in the realms of the man. yet, does it speak the same in the mind? the future projection of the mankind yet lies within whose hands? i would bet it is only 0.5% in the hands of Man. the rest, leave it to the forces of uncertainties and chaos, or should we say, fate.
there was once a saying, which says, "God, Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, and the strength to change what i can". don’t really know where it really come from. maybe words depicted from famous literary, or some famous saying from some famous person. but nevertheless, the meaning is what reached our hearts. chained hearts, the ones with constraints, or ‘chains’ to the ones constraining, be it the current condition, or whatever forces it may be, are the ones that are ever-suffering, whether subconsciously, or not. we are the ones that keep on treading the path that we choose, or what we thought we choose, along with the disturbances that we pick along the way. not to mention the other forces, forces that are well beyond our power.
thus bringing us to another abrupt ending, which that, is what they say, is that.

    FIN

the main question is:
should i live my live the way it should be, or the way i want it to be. or just leave it to fate and destiny?

salam
the title cum question above is referred. is this yet another filler which had gained popularity or another standard blog. hmm… i didn’t even know about it either. as usual, a lot yet seems less had happened to me. not that it really matters. this time, it’s not really on the materialistic development. just another character development. more towards the social part. oh well. seems like these days we really needs one of those. so here i am, trying to socialize.
    yesterday was the Chinese New Year, i wish anyone who celebrate it. the chinatown was once again filled, also at the Crown. wow. talk about a celebration. got some lion dance, dragons and stalls. ok.
    life goes on anon. and here we are, at the milestones of our lives. living our lives the best way (or any way) we want it to, whether we are able to or not. and whether now is the significant time of our lives or not. it’s all about the way we think about it. today, returned to the driving range, what Iz had called our random hobby. yes, it’s random. we didn’t really do it much, but it’s there. some passed the 100 metres (or yards?) marks. most of it aren’t. oh well. nothing much to do about it anyway. need to practice more. and with sore hands, we returned with individual thoughts. each one in their own dimensions, in their own worlds.
    observing much of the environment, sometimes i see myself looking at the far end of the horizon, mind flying away, floating thoughtlessly, without any direction, wandering at the depths of my own thoughts. sometimes the thought are positive, sometimes it’s negative. well, most of it are negative anyways. why is it so hard to think of happy things without the negativity? is it the negative affinity that had long been enchanted upon the armor of my mind, embedded at the very foundation of the thought. thinking about the balance of nature, where every positive occurrences, there will always exists negative ends as well. what lies beyond it are just understanding of the world from our own perception. sometimes, i just thought to myself, if i am rich, what lies beyond me, and what i may not experience due to my condition. sometimes it’s good outcome, sometimes it’s bad. for example, even if good outcome might come out, some effort needs to be put in to place, making questions such as is it worth it or is it not. it all depends to the individual.
    i lost poker, again! oh well. life is somewhat similar to that game. i didn’t say it is exactly the same, but there are some similarities nonetheless. we might need some skills to play it, as in life. but most of it, what we need is luck, or sometimes fate and destiny intertwined. what are the differences between fate and destiny anyway. is it the degree of changeable or not? like if i got bad results for exams, is it my fate, thus if i studied harder i will change my result? or even if i studied hard enough, i still won’t pass anyways. nevertheless, what’s important is not really the results, but the lesson that had been learned. even if we didn’t learn anything, we learn that there is nothing to be learned from that outcome. oh well. here i am again, crapping as usual. fate and destiny. what lies beyond it, none of us are really quite sure what it is.
    and so here i am again, thinking of strange occurrences. or not so strange. maybe the view is, or it is not. depends on the system of values. the ability to see sight beyond sight, hear beyond hearing, offering vast amount of information, yet if assessed and evaluated wrongly, may still mislead us. oh well. and to help us evaluate these things called data, to process it into information, comes different guidelines, in which some are helpful, and most are not. there are even guidelines in life that had descended from the Heaven for us humans, it’s just that either we use it or not.
fin

salam
and yes… subject above is referred.. i am yet doing another filler episodes.. back-to-back… why? i just love it… doing filler episodes is fun.. and we don’t have to do a lot of heavy thinking… and that…is time and energy consuming..
    today i had this haircut… after waiting for almost an hour and half, i had been called to have my haircut… and i even blur on what to have as my latest hairstyle… will it be weird as usual? will it be cool… and during that thinking and decision making…. i had done a grave mistake… what is it? is it by over-consuming cabbages, in which resulted in manifestation of some ectoplasm.. in which will slowly turn me into a caterpillar? is that it? is it that grave? or is it any near a graveyard? questions… yet unanswered..
    the answer is… whilst thinking.. i just asked her to just cut my hair.. and spontaneously asked to cut it as if spiky or some sort. then to my dismay, i had realized that she is about to cut me bald… i mean i am going to be bald somewhere in future.. but man, i am not going to be bald now, right? i have to maintain my coolness and machoness in order to hit some of those hot juniors that had just arrived (if you’re reading this.. just ignored it) and damn are they hot… yep..very…
wait a sec, this is not about the girls or something.. this is about me… and yes, they are hot… nuff said…lolz
and so, i had deliberately asked her to just change her way to cut her hair.. and alas… this is what my hair looks now… damnit… i could’ve look a bit nicer.. now those hot juniors won’t even looked at my way…huhu.. and so.. the path of single-ness had been revealed upon me once more……. oh well…
    that’s just it about the filler part.. oh well…. maybe after this if i am a bit happy or excited, maybe i’ll write another filler episodes again…what next? hmm…. lemme see…
    next post will be the path of the king….yes.. that’ll do…oh yeah, btw i am trying to start an aniblog… but it’s damn hard man… what’s with  this programming and html coding and stuff.. i don’t know any of this man… pseudo-programming (which is a bit easier), i still sucked. oh well. life is hard… but man, programming is harder… oh well… but in categorization, programming is just a programmed problem. comprende my word play? oh well… nvm if none of you understood it…and thus, if i managed to open it… i’ll notify my fellow reader straight away that i am having an aniblog…
and that, is what they say, is that.
FIN
ps: they are hot.. but all of them are taken.. damnit…